What we have here is a failure to communicate...

Over the past few weeks, several of my female friends have had similar encounters with new male acquaintances who have mistaken their willingness to engage in small talk as an indication that they were interested in being more than just friends. Strangely, my friends all seemed shocked that such a pleasant conversation could be suddenly tainted by an invitation to "get drinks sometime" or in more extreme cases to "hook up". "Are all guys such horny bastards that they mistake normal polite social behavior as a signal that a girl wants to jump them?" they ask me. Well, the short answer ... yes. (Sorry, ladies) But as one of the few enlightened males out there who is aware of this behavior, I feel it is my duty to further explain the inner workings of the male mind. Where to begin?

Well, in all fairness to the male population, I would say a large majority of guys are simply unaware that the words they are hearing are not the same ones being spoken by their female acquaintances. It seems that around the age of 13 or 14, the presence of the Y chromosome triggers growth of a thin membrane in the inner ear canal of all males. This membrane serves just one purpose: to detect audio signals emanating from the mouths of females and to distort those messages into more male-friendly terms. Evolutionary scientists still debate the original purpose of this ear membrane, though many believe it was an early self-defense mechanism used to protect the male ego from the damaging effects of repeated rejections from the fairer sex. Over the centuries, this built-in filter has become so fine-tuned, that it has the ability to turn any message short of "Get away from me, you creep!" into a more male-libido-affirming statement.

To demonstrate the differences between what a female says and what a male hears, I have provided a few simple (and color coded!) examples. These are common phrases a normal, well-adjusted female might say to a male acquaintance... and what the male acquaintance will actually hear:

• "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?" -> "Well hello there, stud. Why don't we hook up sometime?"
• "Ughhh... don't you just hate homework/meetings/lectures?" -> "Homework/meetings/lectures suck... why don't we blow off some steam by hooking up sometime?"
• "You went to *insert school name*?!! Me too!" -> "You mean we were on the same campus and we haven't hooked up yet?!! Let's get to it already!"

As a secondary purpose, this thin membrane also filters out messages that the male brain would find difficult to comprehend and would thus cause potentially dangerous levels of consternation. Case in point:

• "Watching sports is such a waste of time" -> *eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* (faint high pitched ringing)
  

Well, I hope this brief discussion will prove useful to male and female readers alike. Ladies, bear with us. It's not always our fault, it's genetic. And guys, not every girl who gives you the time of day is interested in you. So next time you start bragging about that "hot waitress who TOTALLY wanted you" just remember... her job may actually require that she offer you dessert after your meal. It is entirely possible that she is NOT offering a thinly-veiled invitation for sex.